Bleah...

Before I begin this entry, please allow me to say something. Faith bully me!*Wails, engage in hamster like behavior* Bleah. Now I have to do this boring thing meant for EXTREMELY BORING people who are probably twiddling their thumbs in front of their computers, so that the boring people who are probably twiddling their thumbs in front of their computers can stop playing with themselves.XD

10 Favourites

1) Favourite Colour

Blue and Orange...Heehee

2) Favourite Food

Anything with cheese or tomato.

3) Favourite Song

Hmmm, check out some songs from the playlist I'm running now!

The boy with the arab strap---Belle and sebastian

The blues are still blue---Belle and sebastian

Burn this city---Franz Ferdinard

The fallen---Franz Ferdinard

Sailors---Morton Valence

Ocean---MAE

4) Favourite Movie

Lots of them. Generally funny and humorous stuff or those that are meaningful and thought provoking. Well, I'll just list some that I have recently watched.

Goodnight and good luck
-A rather quiet movie which is really fabulous. It's about this famous broadcaster called Edward R Murrow who decide to highlight a controversial issue which he knew would get him into trouble with the authorities. The movie is in black and white, and what I really like about the movie is that there is alot of attention to detail in the movie which you have to observe from the characters. For example, just before Murrow's first broadcast on the issue, he appeared calm and casual to everyone, but if you observe carefully, you can see how nervous he was by the way he smoke, the way he shake his leg, and how he will isolate himself from the rest while he planned out the next broadcast.

The alibi
-The main character rocks. Anyway, it's about this really smart guy who set up this consultant agency providing alibi service to his clients who wanna cheat on their spouses or boy/girl friends. Naturally he was also sought after by powerful criminals who wanted him to cover for their crimes, which he had made it a point not to have anything to do with that. So to worm his way out of trouble from every sides, this guy actually managed to manipulate everyone involved (from criminals to rich men and to policewoman) into a really ingenius plot which solved his problems of getting murdered or arrested. It's really amazing. Haha.

Paradise now

-Ahh, you can backtrack and refer to my old post on this movie.=)

5. Favourite Sport

I love to play all types of balls, particularly soccer. Swimming is good too.

6. Favourite Season

Spring. Where it all begins.


7. Favourite Day of the week

FRIDAY!

8. Favourite Ice-cream Flavour

Banana. Chunky monkey!

9. Favourite Book

Lots of them. I love everything by Terry Prachett (the Discworld novels) and Douglas Adams( Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy series, Dirk Gently holistic detective agency series). They are excellent satirists who are really accurate in their observations of human behavior nature and behaviour as well as the way they look at the world. And they never never fail to make me laugh. Heehee.

10. Favourite anime/cartoon

Family guy!

1) Current Mood

Cranky, hyperactive, a danger to myself.

2. Current Clothes

Orange OP shirt and this pair of checkered shorts which people like to mistaken for boxers. -__-"

3. Current desktop

Clouds, clouds and more clouds.

4. Current Toenail

What kind of stupid question is this?

5. Current Time

10.44pm

6. Current Annoyance(s)

Nothing much. Maslow's hierachy of needs satisfied. Though I'm getting impatient at this quiz. How much more to go?!

7. Current Thought

What a stupid thing I'm doing now. How to bully Faith. Heehee.

8. Current boyfriend/girlfriend

Heh. Dont have any.

9. Current Book you are reading

Cambridge history of south east asia. I'm lying. It's untouched on my table. XP

1. First Best Friend

How do you define Best?


2. First Crush

HAHA.=X

3. First Movie

Jurassic Park. OMG. It was the first time I ever went to a cinema and my dad decide to traumatise me with such a scary movie. Was really freaked out, though I said nothing at that time.I still have nightmares on that from time to time. And it took a long time before I will allow myself to step into a cinema again. Even now I get freak whenever they show this movie on TV. But I still like dinosaurs!=)

4. First Piercing

*Cringe* YUCKS. I'm strongly against any type of piercing. Now dont get me started.

5. First Lie

I'm a born liar.


6. First Music

I think it will be voice of my mother as she sang me to sleep every night when I was a tot. X)


7. First Car

I wish.

8. First Handphone

That really kuku Sony Ericsson phone cum tracker device which I got as a well meaning present from my parents when I was in secondary one. It really sucks ok.

1. Last Cigarette

YUCKS. I hate the smell.

2. Last Drink

Plain water.

3. Last Car Ride

This morning. Was rushing to school because I was late again.


4. Last Crush

Why so persistent? Not telling.

5. Last Movie Seen

Scary movie 4. Just watched that this afternoon. Heehee. It's satire and parody again. I seem to like such stuff huh? I wanna watch 4:30 next!

6. Last Phone Call

To my mum I think.

7. Last CD played

Erm, I dont play CDs.


1. Have you ever dated one of your best friends

Hmmm.I dont even know how to define a best friend.

2. Have you ever broken the law

Yes. Like right now. Heehee.

3. Have you ever been arrested

No. Smart people dont get caught.

4. Have you ever skinny-dipped

Nay. I'm not an exhibitionist. Heh.

5. Have you ever been on TV

I think so. But as usual, I wasnt aware of it till people tell me the next day or something.Heehee.

6. Have you ever kissed someone u didnt know

Are you crazy?!

5 things you are wearing

I'm not gonna bother to answer this question.

4 things you have done today

1) Screwed up my literature paper.
2) Watched scary movie 4. I LOVE the UN scene. LOLX. And the vacuum cleaner.
3) Get to understand Shuwen better. =)
4) Sleep.

3 things you can hear right now

1) The Everglow---MAE
2) The fan?
3) Basically I'm deaf to everything else when I'm playing songs in my room.XD


2 Things you can't live without

1) Air.
2) My specs.

1 thing you do when you are bored.

Twiddling my thumbs. While the rest of my body stone away in front of the computer. LOL.


Phew. FINALLY. It's over. Haha.

"Which of you shall we say doth love us most?"

Act one scene one of King Lear was played out in my house yesterday evening.

Mum was complaining and making a big fuss about my aunts and uncles not coming down to visit my "poor, sick, ailing grandmother" as often as she did. Well, she left home everyday by 11am and will only be back by 5pm earliest, spending the whole time sitting with my grandma who is as good as being in coma. Anyway, to cut the long story short, we were all having dinner (me with lots of difficulty, refer to previous post please) when she suddenly pop the killer question.

Mum: Sometimes I really wonder you know, whether you three will be as concern as me if I end up like your grandmother one day. How filial will the three of you be? Will you all visit me everyday?

(I think my mouth was open when I heard that. The setting was so freaking similar to King Lear too, mum sitting at the end of the table, my siblings and I around her. What follows is even freakier.)

Brother, AKA Professional boot licker: Of course lah! I will visit you everyday dont worry, I'm very very filial one! Even if my future wife complains I will also come. *Sweet angelic smile*

Mum: (Smiling at Mr professional boot licker) I always know you will. Then what about you two? Ah Hui? (That's my sister)

Sister, AKA Loyal nit picker: (Nodding) Yeah, of course I will visit you everyday also, dearest mommy! Aiyah, but dont worry, you wont end up like that one, I will take care of you.

(She really said that ok? OMG...hahaha)

Mum: What about Quan Min? *Everyone looks at me*

(At this point I'm sure you people will be guessing or have probably predicted what I will say. LOL)

Me: *Gasp* *Choke* *Cough* *Points to my throat indicating that I cant speak at all* *Mutter something incoherent and excuse myself off to my room*

Haha...Oh no, I did not do a Cordelia, though I was tempted to. Actually, I meant to say "Ask me no questions and I will tell no lies" but I though better of it at the last minute because I do not want to cause unnecessary damage to my mouth and to my mum's fragile heart. Bleah.

Still, this incident calls for some reflection. I was actually quite disturbed by it and spent the whole night thinking about it till those drugs took effect and send me off to oblivion.

Other than getting turn off by my siblings' answers (I still am), I find myself thinking of mainly two things, the real answer I would have given and why my mother had to ask this question.

Dont get me wrong. It's not like I dont love my mother at all, neither am I unfilial. I just think that it's stupid and childish if I have to be forced to say out my feelings. I dont like it too. Now I know what Cordelia means when she said "I cannot heave/ My heart into my mouth". Some things are better left unsaid, they are better felt. If my mum is to end up like that (touch a billion wood and papers) I'm very sure I will have done what's required of me as her daughter. Also, I have always believed that it's no use only trying to make amends when the person is unable to respond to you anymore. It will be better if I make a difference to her life now than to start regretting later. (Ok, I'm not doing a good job I know. High drama still persists between her and me even now. XP)

And I also realise how insecure my mum must be feeling to ask such a question. Because just now she was talking about this old lady beside my grandma's bed who cried herself to sleep every day because she was in so much pain and no one visited her. She passed away alone a few days before I think. Sigh. Mum must be worrying that this will happen to her too. Ah well. I swear I will not let this happen to her. Though I know that she wasnt very satisfied with my ah...response yesterday. Gah.


Still, sometimes I wonder if all parents have such fears in them. That they will suffer their pain silently, die alone, unloved and abandoned. That their children had never loved them in the first place, despite all the sacrifices and love they had for them. Hmmm...What do you think?




PS: Someone please tell me to stop putting up entries referring to King Lear. It's driving me nuts too! But I cant help it haha.>__<

Having sore throat is bad enough.

Having ulcers is just as bad.

Having sore throat and ulcers is nothing short of a catastrophe.

Cant swallow, cant talk, cant eat, cant drink, cant study.

Living on lozenges, which offer only temporary relief, and by temporary relief I mean making you drowsy so you will fall asleep and take your pain somewhere else.

Then you wake up to reality with the pain doubled and in pops another one.

I think I should be seeing a doctor soon, before the condition got so serious that I have to be put on the drip.

And it's two days to the real papers.

I have barely started.

Helloooo FFF.

I'm loving it.

Poor Cordelia?

So after hours of anger, stress and frustration resulting from the fact that I have been feeling so tired recently that I think I have wasted time sleeping (yes laugh all you want XD), I'm back in business again, attempting to cram in or selective study whatever I can with the pathetic time left, no thanks to the mediocre education system we have here.

I have never been actually that fond of Shakespeare's work, but I must say that King Lear really beats all his other plays to the dust. For one, it had the most logical and impactful ending in my opinion, as compared to his other works like Measure for Measure and Twelfth Night, in which the endings were often slip shod and full of loose ends as our master playwright attempts to tie them up, often getting the audience entangled with him. Now, you must be wondering, how logical can the ending be when the good character of the play, Cordelia, dies in the end? Why did Lear and Gloucester have to die when they are already punished for their mistakes? Where is the sense of moral justice?

If you are thinking of that, I will say that that is probably a shallow way of looking at things. This is because you had probably subconsciously programmed your mind to think of life like how it should work in fairytales and superhero cartoons, where the good triumphs over evil, and everyone lives happily ever after. Oh well, just take a look around you, or flip the papers if you are free. You can be sure to find young people dying all the time. A teenager, great sports player, excellent in academics, popular with friends found dead in his bed the next morning. A young man, financially able and at the peak of his career, died in a car accident while on his way to get married. It's the same case with Cordelia actually, though I personally think that she might have lived if someone had remembered and took action earlier. But this is how the world runs, it's illogically logical. The possiblities are endless and at their most unpredictable, and whether it happen to be a happy or sad thing is all based on Man's own set of logic and consciousness. I think this is what Shakspeare had intended for the audience to realise from this horrible tragedy too, not to think of WHY it happen, but WHY CANT it happen.

From the way I look at things, I think all the characters have a reason for their deaths. Edmund could not have said it better "The wheel is come full circled." Indeed, Edmund was killed by his brother Edgar because of HUMAN justice, where the good will natually defeat the bad as it is commonly assumed to be. Goneril and Regan died basically under the same category too, where they are ultimately punished for the way they had treated their father, as well as their greed and selfishness which led to their own self destruction.

What about Lear and Gloucester? They are basically two old men who had made mistakes, realised them in the end and die before they can do anything. Now, refer to the quote by Edmund again. If you look at the play carefully, who were the characters present at the beginning of the play when Lear made his biggest mistake?

---Lear
---Gloucester
---Edmund
---Cordelia
---Goneril
---Regan
---Kent

Notice that these characters are the ones that died by the end of the play. (Ok, I assume Kent died too, cose he said " I have a journey, sir, shortly to go:/My master calls, and I must not say no.")

Now you ask, what about Edgar? Why didnt he die also? I think Shakespeare intend him from the beginning to be the "pilgrim" of the play (he refered to his experience as "my pilgrimage" in the last act anyway). Which means he is suppose to observe and experience the going on of the "Old world" so that he can be ready to start the new world when it's over. This is why he was not present at the beginning of the play, neither was he present when Gloucester made the mistake of believing Edmund. And I guess that's why Shakespeare had to kill off all the characters belonging to the "Old world" at the end too.

Haha. I think that I'm confusing everyone with my points. Just take it that I'm talking nonsense if you dont get what I mean.XD

Anyway, back to the last point of why I feel that King Lear is the most impactful ending. Just look that what Kent said just before Lear dies.

Vex not his ghost. O, let him pass. He hates him
That would upon the rack of this tough world
Stretch him out longer.

I must admit that I was actually quite emotional when I read that. It's like the full impact and realisation of Lear's suffering coming on at you at that moment. The imagery is really effective in showing us how Lear must have suffered throughout the play, how he was drove from anger to self delusion and finally madness. Poor guy. I cant help but think that it's a good thing that he died actually, considering what he had gone through. At least his suffering will be finally over. =/

Haha...I think I better stop now before Shakespeare got tired of turning in his grave and decide to jump out. XD

People who REALLY know me should know that I'm not the sort who expressed myself well in terms of emotions. Yeah. I'm a classic example of an emotidiot. The sort who go HUH? whenever she sees a large group of people gathering around exhibit A, a homo sepian giving an excellent display on how-to-use-those-tearducts-to-send-subliminal-messages, the kind who stands at the sideline looking apprehensively while people she knows start to cry over whatever reasons.

Now, dont get me wrong. It's not like I cant feel. I do have emotions, though I think it's a waste of time to dwell and mull over them. Most of the time, I'm able to get through my life pushing emotions aside while the rational thinking side of me take charge. But the problem lies when I have to express myself. Of course, showing emotions like anger or happiness is of no problem to me, and I often recognise and experience them intensely. But when it comes to showing concern and empathy....

There are times when I observe (or just got a gut feeling) that someone around me is feeling troubled or depressed. But I have no idea how to approach it. So I end up asking stupid questions like "How are you feeling?" or "Are you ok?" and you can bet that the answer i will get 99% of the time will be "Yeah","Ok", "Fine". This will be followed by periods of awkward silence while I think of other forms of distraction, or hope that something will happen that will change the atmosphere. This happens even with my family too, and misunderstandings of me being uncaring, unsympathetic, unconcern are always happening.

You see, when someone who is troubled approaches me, I will look at things immediately from the problem perspective. This is because I believe that the only way to make things normal again is to solve the problem itself. It hardly ever occur to me to think of what you are feeling, because I believe that that is the side effect of the problem.

Which is why I really HATE certain people. People who approaches you crying or with a sad face, not because they want you to solve it and think of solutions, but expects you to sit with them and linger on their emotions while they indulge themselves in the idea of "Oh, I'm so depress! " "There's NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that can solve it!" "Oh, I'm such a miserable person!" "Oh, SOMEONE, please tell me what to do!" While all the while REPEATEDLY rejecting me when I attempt to solve the problems and make them see things from a different angle. This of course, frustrates me alot and pushes my patience to the limits. And it really sucks when the person happen to be someone you regard as a friend.

And then there is the other sort. The kind who are aware that you are really concern for them, who knows that you really care. These are the kind who literally uses emotional blackmail on you, whining, complaining, indulging in their miserable oh-I-am-just-so-pathetic world and then start suggesting things like "Oh, I want to DIE!" "I cant see the point in living anymore!" while I get angier and angier as they are not even trying to listen to me at all. Then they will suddenly pop killer questions like "Do you CARE?" "Will you even bother when i'm gone?" or continue with their suicide planning. Now, I'm sure that by now you should understand that I'm not the sort who likes to talk about my emotions very openly. These people literally forces you to say things like "Yes I care, and I say this in all honesty" or " Because I'm afraid to lose you" because they want to feel loved, to feel secure, in short, to satisfy their own selfish desires.

You know, I really hate all these nonsense. Particularly the latter. I hate the fact that you force me to say it out. I know you know that we are all very concern, we are all worried for you. But by resorting to such tactics, you are really too much. Even if you are my friend. These people are nothing but attention seekers to me, and you know I cannot stand such people. I expect people with problems to approach me as calm as possible, though I understand that people need to let it out somehow. And mostly importantly, LISTEN to me when I start trying to solve the problems. Do not lose yourself in your emotions because you will only make me impatient and frustrated. If you cannot make yourself do that, forget about approaching me. I will not want to bother about people like these.

Good morning!

Haha. I'm turning into a new age vampire. AKA creature of the night who thrives on artificial light.

Look at the time now, it's 7am and I'm still tapping to the tunes of

Jungle Boogie---Parliament Funkadelic

Aeroplane---Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Cant Stop---Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Elevation---U2

I Hear The Bells---Mike Doughty

Hand In My Pocket---Alanis Morisette

La Pastie De La Bourgeosise---Belle & Sebastian

Walking In Memphis---Lonestar

And many many more songs that kept me up through the night. Hahaha. My body clock is effectively screwed. Dont ask me how am I gonna wake up for the exams once the school reopens.XD

Of course there are a few distractions here and there that interfered with my music enjoyment. Like feeling indignant at the way Macheath treats women as commodities. "I love the sex. And a man who loves money, might as well be contented with one guinea, as I with one woman". Amused by the silliness of Polly Peachum and Lucy Lockit as they plead for that jerk's life. Looking at a large collection of soviet posters who were really nice and cool.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bpx/sets/72057594117941491/
Fascinated by the really thought-provoking Amnesty International latest advertisement campaign.
http://amnesty.ch/f/eminf/2006/celaexiste/01.html Laughing at Lenin because he declared himself as a "Defeatist" which to me is another term for "Loser".

The subject on Lenin reminds me of the sms exchange I have yesterday with my brother as I was studying with Jia wei.

Me: Hey, what's the match now? Who versus who?

Brother: Ar...Why you ask? You are with a guy right?

Me: Yeah I'm with a guy man. A guy name Jia wei.* Haha. And I'm trying to get close with Lenin.

Brother: Who is Lenin?

Me: A hot russian guy who is very very famous. You can look him up online.

Brother: Ha Ha Ha. What a sense of humour.

*Jia wei is a girl.

Heh. I guess I cant blame my brother. He's only secondary two. Probably never heard of Lenin yet.XD

Hmm...Mum's up. And I see the sun. Someone sing me a lullaby.

Letting go

Just an update before I start my entry proper. Well, my grandmother suffered a stroke about 4 years ago and her condition had recently started to deteriorate. On wednesday her blood sugar started soaring dangerously, accompanied by high fever and her bed sores show signs of infection. She's currently hospitalised and is on the tube.

Mum had been rushing off to hospital everyday to accompany my grandmother ever since she heard the news. I can tell that she's very worried so I try my best to give her support whenever she needs. (Obviously it isnt working, I'm really bad at such stuff.) Anyway, just yesterday when we were walking home after visiting the doctor (for my sprained ankle), we started talking about grandmother and her condition. Mum was talking about how her heart breaks whenever she sees her mother lying on the bed with tubes running in and out and yet she really cannot bear to see her suffer anymore. So I asked her.

"Are you willing to let go?"

"No."

"But you know she will leave us one day. And you cant bear to see her suffer too."

"I dont want to think about it."

"To tell you the truth, I have already accepted that I have lost her 3 years ago when I visited her during chinese new year. She was trying so hard to talk to me but somehow she could not speak. I knew I have lost her then."

"It's not easy as it seems. How will you feel if it is me and not your grandmother lying there in hospital now?"

I will confess that I was momentarily stunned by the last sentence. It really hit me right in the head. What will I have done? Will I have let go so easily? Suddenly I'm not so sure.

NYEC2006

So the four days come and went, after months of planning, rejection, anger, disappointment laced with hope and joy here and there to keep us going. I cant say that it was a good experience, but I cant say that it was very bad either. Many lessons were learnt, and I believe that all of us grew in some way or other after the event was over.

The first and the last day was perhaps the most significant for me, for that's when I find myself learning the most. On the first day, I was tasked to run the game that had merely been thought out and was never tested before. Naturally I anticipated problems. The first major blow was when the venue had to be changed as the volleyballers had to use the hall. I found myself having to think of solutions and take up responsibility immediately especially when my helpers go "It's your game, you have to tell us what to do." A good lesson on leadership I will say. Still, I have to thank my seniors who gave me advices along the way and helped me to realise my mistakes before anything happen. And I'm really glad that the game went well and the participants enjoyed themselves after everything. XP

The last day was rather short, consisting mainly of the closing ceremony. But what was really significant was during the last debrief, which somehow became an emotional trash talk session by the end of it. Well, at least everyone confessed and voiced out their feelings. It was a good time for self reflection too, as we thought of all that we have done throughout the past few months. It definitely wasnt smooth sailing, but we still manage to get through everything in the end.

And now for the highlight of the day. I was walking down this slope, happily smsing on my phone when I somehow tripped over something and fell, spraining my ankle. Gah. The doctor was laughing when I told him how I sprained it. And everyone agreed that I deserved it. Hmpf. Lesson learnt? Dont sms when you are walking down slopes. The doctor said it will take at least a month or two to heal completely. Now watch me while I lame around for the next few days. Haha.

Overall, I'm glad everything turned out well in the end. Now it's time to face reality. I have only two more weeks to somehow cram two years worth of stuff into my head. I dont know how, and I dont think I'm gonna try. At least not that hard. Hmm...Gonna do things at my own pace I guess. Haha. I'm such a bad student. XD

Why did it have to turn out like that?

Gah. I was lying. Not only to you, but to myself too. My pride was too strong. But you should have known. The situation would not have allowed me to be honest. The consequences would have been worse. I'm sure you do not want that too.

I might have hurt you.

But I hurt myself too. Perhaps even more than you think.



Tell me that it is not too late.