All posts in this blog are based solely on my own viewpoints unlesss otherwise stated.Should you disagree with me, either comment on site or just get out.Brainless comments will be remove immediately.

April 25, 2006

Too close

Ok, I have a history test tomorrow consisting of five long south east asia lecture notes but I have barely started, being the realist I am I know it's impossible anyway. And I still have not complete that Lear essay. Despite that, I went blog surfing and something posted by Sylvia made me dropped my jaw too.

Charles C. FinnSeptember 1966::

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator-- of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet and
I am every woman you meet.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmmm....Cant help but cringe after reading this. This is just too close to the heart man. It was as if someone broke into my inner realm of sub consciousness and formed it into a poem. Just too freaky. Sometimes I really cant see any meaning to the life I'm living. Everyday is just the same. I think that I would have died a long time ago if not for my friends. Like seriously. You people probably dont know how much your little gestures, understandings, counsellings mean to me. But I do. And I still dont know how to thank you all. Haha.XD

And you come to my mind. I dont know if you read my blog but I really hope that things are going alright for you. This poem really reminds me of the conversations we had. Perhaps that was what come out for your practical criticism paper? Anyway, take care.

April 20, 2006

Star wars

Remember the dialogue session aired last wednesday with Minister Mentor Lee trying to educate a bunch of young fools?

Now for the fun version......

http://www.mrbrown.com/blog/2006/04/browncast_jedi_.html

JEDI YOUNGLING: I dont care, we are the future. We deserve a choice! Why should I listen to you?
YODA: I AM YOUR FATHERRRrrrrrr....


A really cool parody. A must listen. Haha.XD

And if you happen to miss the dialogue, dont fret. The link for the full version is here.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1409818981384963003&q

Have fun!

April 16, 2006

Just a point




Images from http://www.snyderstreasures.net/

Well, who will have thought that the man whose hands drew these paintings will later be responsible for the deaths of 11 million people, 9 million of them jews?

Reading the biographies of Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin had certainly set me thinking. One similarity which I find hard to ignore will be the role of the parents in the early lives of these two notorious personalities. Let's look at Hitler first. Hitler's dad was a custom officer, while Hitler wanted to be a painter in his youth. His dad, on learning his ambitions, thought him hopeless and forced him to follow the same career path as him, a custom officer. Of course Hitler,in the spirit of his youth, rebelled. It did not help that he was rejected by the arts school twice for being "not good enough". More drama followed and there you end up with one of the most evil world leader in history.Now Stalin. Young Soso(his pet name) was enrolled by his mother into a seminary who had high hopes of seeing her son one day as a priest.But of course, strict discipline and boring religious studies only worked for certain people and Soso decided to turn to reading more interesting stuff about socialism instead, rebelling in every way. Again the drama and soon you get this guy ruling the whole of Russia.

The similarity I'm seeing here will be the fact that both parents had tried to force their sons into becoming a person THEY EXPECTED THEM to be, not allowing them to develop into people THEY THEMSELVES WANT to be. These parents expect their children to be pieces of clay, to be moulded into whatever form they want finally to be placed in the conformistic society. It's kinda sad isnt it? Hitler's dad and Stalin's mum might have thought that they were doing the right thing, all for the future well-being of their child, dismissing their childs' ambitions and hopes as a childish phase and comforting themselves that they will soon grew out of that. But have they ever consider that they are doing more harm than good? That stamping out the fiery dreams of their children might cause them to advance into adulthood with that innate sense of hatred? History might have been very different if Hitler was encouraged by his dad to pursue his career of becoming an artist or architect, and Stalin to expose himself to new opportunities before finally finding his niche and settling down.

Of course, all parents want the best for their child, not wanting their child to suffer in the harsh reality we live in, society. They want their child to be rich,successful, have a stable income etc. This is perfectly understandable. But the trouble comes when they decide to exert their parental authority into forcing their child into that tiny pinhole labelled "Guranteed Wealth And Success", striping away "Love,Hope And Happiness" in the process. So the child grew up to be a sad solemn adult with all the riches he can ask for yet never knowing what he's missing.

I'm saying all these because this is what I am seeing all around me. Parents acting exactly like those of Hitler's and Stalin's. Take a good example of my good friend. (Shall not name her to avoid embarrassment, but you know who you are anyway!) Coming from a single child family, her parents have always harbour wishes of her becoming financially stable in her adult life, yet with little difficulty and minimum exertion. So they both come up with this brilliant idea of trying to matchmake their child with some rich kid so that she can be a tai tai, benefiting herself and her parents.(Yeah, it's cool to be a mother in law of a rich guy) My friend obviously does not share her parents' ambition and finds it very irritating that her parents are such materialistic people who do not understand her definition of happiness. (She is currently attached but her poor boyfriend was often scorned by her stupid parents)

How horrible. Even in my own family I'm experiencing such troubles, though in a different manner. My parents generally acknowledge my decision, but I can always sense their disappointment whenever I make decisions, for example, choosing the arts over sciences, abandoning maths. I dislike it especially when my mum will tell my brother to never ever end up like me, choosing the arts as he will have to support his family later and studying arts "is nothing." Well, wanna know something? I think science people are made to become dumb robots.Ok, hold your weapons, you fellows in the science, for I'm not insulting you. Contrary to popular beliefs, it is not easy to study a humanity subject as compared to a science one. Subjects like literature and history are very subjective and you will actually be force to think of every possiblities. This is unlike studying a science subject, for example, physics. Every thing that you are doing has probably been tried and tested for the millionth time before you conduct that experiment or do that sum. All you have to do is to remember the formula, extract it from your mind then paste it on paper to score. And what have you learnt in the process? Anything useful about life and its complexities? Think about it.

Haha...I will probably be killed after this entry is published. XD

Hmmm, so what makes a good parent? In my opinion, I think a good parent should be one who will allow his child to develop in any way he wants. Of course, he will have to reel his child back in if he realised that his child is going the wrong lane (eg, smoke), but otherwise, let his child explore and learn in whatever way he wants. A good parent will be the one who listens to the child when he finally makes a decision, and be the first to comfort the child if he failed, offer sensible and non bias advice when consulted, in short, be the one who supports and guides. Most important, respect your child and his ability.

Heheh. I dont know about you, but this is something I will work towards to if I'm ever a parent. =P

April 05, 2006

Embracing the Storm

Literature lesson was kinda fun today. For one, I was egged on by my friends and the teacher to read this part where Lear shouts into the storm about his terrible daughters. Well, I think I did a bad job by stumbling through quite a few words, but I find the exercise rather productive after everything. I was actually able to to identify the emotions experienced by poor King Lear, his pain, his grief, his helplessness, his anger,frustration, confusion...everything. It felt great really, for I soon found myself channelling my own feelings by reading aloud. In short, it actually became a source of releasing my own negative emotions. Maybe I should read aloud more to myself to destress next time.=)

Anyway, on my way home after a really long day, there was a sudden flash storm. Those kind that struck without warning and had that fast and furious streak. So there I was, struggling with my old umbrella while trying to walk with the wind and the rain coming against me as if to blow me off my feet, when I sudden realised how useless it was. Man can never win against nature, so why cant we try to embrace and acknowledge its power? I was getting all wet and drenched by this time even with the umbrella, and with my mind still thinking about poor Lear ranting in the storm, I kept my umbrella and proceed to walk out into the storm.

At that instance, I felt as if I was truly free. There was nothing to think of, nothing to stop me. The wind brushed harshly past my body, and the rain, beat upon every part of my body relentlessly. Wetting me, dripping off my face, my clothes. I stood there, feeling the pressure of the rain drops as they achieve contact with my physical self. I felt so vulnerable, so fragile, as if I'm some malleable metal being beaten into shape by the hands of Nature, up, down, left, right, center.

I find myself shivering. Not really with the cold, but in awe. For I had felt and witnessed for myself the power of Nature, and see for myself the fragility of man. Man is always trying to prove himself stronger than Nature, constantly looking for new ways to challenge Nature's power. Yet ultimately, Nature defeats us all. In our lifetime, we might try to achieve the best for ourselves, getting the best out of everything, trying to do things that will only advantage us. We challenge Nature in the process, destroying rainforests, polluting rivers, trying to clone animals, destroying the order of things, trying to prove that we can play God. Yet in the end, we gain nothing, only self destructioon, and pain. We die, a slow, self inflicted death, and death on its own is a form of Nature itself. Clearly, there is no other power in the world stronger than Nature, no other force as merciless. And Man is still too proud to admit it, prefering to live in their self deluded world of egoism.

I wonder if Lear had felt the same way as I did when he stood in the storm, shouting out his grief into the wind and rain. Did he see the irony of the situation? How he had himself upset the natural order of things when he made his foolish decision, and now he could only rant and blame the very force of Nature as he stood in the storm lamenting?Hmmm, I will say that Lear in this context is a good representation of man and his folly.

Ok, enough reflecting and discussions on King Lear. Haha. Maybe Shuwen was right about bringing out the "Lear-ness" in me, for soon after that I just went crazy, running about in the storm, jumping on the deepest puddles,grinning like some retard. I'm not really sure what happen, but I certainly felt very happy at the end of it all. The sudden realisation of the relationship between man and Nature seem to have released me from some form of control I guess, for I just felt so free, so wonderful. Haha. I really dont know how to describe my feelings. But truly, I have grown to acknowledge the power of nature and to respect its existance. Well, I will like to continue more along this line, but it will become very philosophical so I guess I'll leave things at that.=P

"Thou nature, art my goddess. To thy law/My services are bound/" ---King Lear, Willliam Shakespeare

Haha.

ENTP - The Innovator

Profile by Sandra Krebs Hirsch and Jean Kummerow

ENTPs are known for their quest of the novel and complex. They have faith in their ability to improvise and to overcome any challenges that they face. They are highly independent, and value adaptability and innovation. They may be several steps ahead of others in encouraging and valuing change. They hate uninspired routine and resist hierarchical and bureaucratic structures that are not functional. They need freedom for action.(Yeah this part is quite true)

Living

ENTPs are lively children who question established truths and norms, dream and scheme, and develop unusual ways of doing traditional childhood things. The ENTP child is oriented toward doing the unique, which may mean taking risks and outwitting parental, school, and societal authority. They enjoy creating projects and following interests that are unusual and different.
ENTP children enjoy inventing new toys, dances, and languages. Because they are outgoing in their personality style, they often engage other children in their projects and assign them particular roles to play. ENTPs rarely accept things just as they are. They like to test or explore to see new meanings and relationships. When things do not go as they want, they use their ingenuity and cleverness to bring people and situations around to their point of view.
As young adults, when ENTPs choose a career for themselves, they tend to set flexible goals that allow them to incorporate new information and accommodate to new circumstances when they come along. It is hard for ENTPs not to be able to explore the road not taken. Their byword is keep your options open. Sometimes this flexibility can look like indecision to outsiders.
As adults, ENTPs take advantage of opportunities. Because of their ability to see relationships and connections between seemingly unrelated things, they are able to realize the potential in many things. When they see and opportunity that others have missed, they set action-oriented strategies that allow them the greatest flexibility to achieve the results they want. The worst job for them is working for someone who demands considerable rule following or tries too often to tell or order, rather than make suggestions to the ENTP. Throughout their careers, ENTPs want their work to be enjoyable, with interesting possibilities for applications. Additionally, having their work widely acclaimed and accepted as a unique contribution would be highly gratifying for ENTPs. They also weave in vacations whenever possible and want a flexible work schedule.

Learning and Working

ENTPs are relentless learners. When the subject matter interests them, they are able to find meaning in whatever they are studying. Knowledge is important to them, but they may not feel the need to show this to their teachers and therefore may be somewhat lackadaisical about assignments and tests. (TOTALLY TRUE! Haha...now you people know why I dont hand up my work on time...Great excuse huh?=D)
ENTPs use their enthusiasm and energy to get others involved in their learning. They learn through give-and-take discussions and by questioning and challenging others. They are quick, verbal, and logical, preferring to use their skills in interactions with others. ENTPs look at the logical foundations in others' thinking and build on them to develop their own conceptual systems. They want to be taught concepts rather then facts. Models are important to them. They typically absorb their teacher's material and present it in a framework that ties all of the elements together.
They like to challenge their teachers and classmates and enjoy competitive learning tasks through which they can show their conceptual versatility. They may also enjoy independent study in which they can pursue and area of interest.(Sadly, the school I'm currently suffering in does not offer such stimulation.)
ENTPs contribute and innovative, versatile, and enterprising approach to work. They view limitations as challenges to be overcome and look for new ways to do things. They need to find a niche for themselves in order to be free to maneuver. They prefer the start-up phase of a project rather than the followthrough or maintenance phase. Once the project is designed, they prefer to turn it over to someone else. They take initiative and inspire others toward greater accomplishments and challenges.
ENTPs usually find work that involves an analytical, entrepreneurial, and creative focus. They tend to tolerate ambiguity well. They want to be in situations in which they can take intellectual risks and meet challenges. To perform in their best fashion, they prefer flexibility and versatility. While they like status and titles, they ultimately want to be judged on their innovative accomplishments. They take advantage of changing circumstances and work those circumstances into their plans. As a result, they function effectively in chaotic times.
Some occupations seem to be more appealing to ENTPs: actor, chemical engineer, computer analyst, credit investigator, journalist, marketeer, photographer, psychiatrist, public relations worker, sales agent, and other occupations that allow them to be innovative.(This is cool, cose most of the jobs I have thought of are mentioned here)

Loving

For the ENTP, falling in love occurs when they feel that there is a good fit with the other person. Often within the first meeting, ENTPs will know whether the relationship has any real potential. ENTPs may find it difficult to commit to anyone until the right person comes along. During this period, ENTPs explore the closeness until they can be certain that they have looked at all of the possibilities. Because of this, they are not likely to settle down early.(Someone's gonna lose her bet!Haha) When they do become involved in a relationship, they generally want to maintain as much independence and freedom as their loved one can tolerate. Their mates may need to have high self-esteem and to be independent themselves in order to accept the ENTP need for freedom and novelty.
For ENTPs, falling out of love, which may not always occur, results when their vision of the relationship does not square with reality. Sometimes they will select someone who offers stability and comfort and ENTPs later will become bored with the stability. When scorned, ENTPs use their powerful and broadreaching analysis to explain the reasons why the relationship was not good in the first place; additionally, they may become competitive with their former partner and work hard to win. ENTPs do not like to lose at anything they undertake.(Hmmmm...)

Profile by David Keirsey

ENTP's wish to exercise their ingenuity in the world of people and things. Found in about five out of every hundred people, ENTP's extravert intuition; thus they deal imaginatively with social relationships as well as physical and mechanical relations. They are very alert to what is apt to occur next, and always sensitive to possibilities.
ENTP's are good at analysis, especially functional analysis, and have both a tolerance for and enjoyment of the complex. Usually enthusiastic, ENTP's are apt to express interest in everything, and thus are a source of inspiration to others, who find themselves caught up by the ENTP's enthusiasm. This type is delighted over many things and so is easy to please, often showing the effervescence of their NF counterpart, the ENFP. The ENTP is the most reluctant of all the types to do things in a particular manner just because that is the way things always have been done. They characteristically have an eye out for a better way, always on the lookout for new projects, new activities, new procedures.
ENTP's are confident in the value of their pursuits and display a charming capacity to ignore the standard, the traditional, and the authoritative. As a result of this open attitude, they often bring a fresh, new approach to their work and their lives. The ENTP is a keen judge of the pragmatics of both the social and the mechanical, and may become expert at directing relationships between means and ends.
Where the introverted NTP sees design as an end in itself, the extraverted NTP sees design as a means; the end is the invention that works, the prototype that is replicable. Ideas are valuable when and only when they make possible actions and objects. "It can't be done" is a challenge to an ENTP and elicits a reaction of "I can do it." They are not, however, the movers of mountains as are the INTJ's. Rather, the faith of the ENTP's is in their ability to improvise something, and they display an unusual talent for rising to the expediency of a situation. Superficially, ENTP's resemble ESTP's in their derringdo. But the focus of the ENTP is on the competency and the sense of power this gives, rather than on the feeling of freedom of action experienced by the ESTP.
ENTP's can be fascinating conversationalists, able as they are to follow the complex verbalizations of others. They may deliberately employ debate tactics to the disadvantage of their opponents, even when the "opponents" are close associates and valued friends. ENTP's are the most able of all types to maintain a one-up position with others. (Haha...I guess I cant deny the truth of this one!)They value adaptability and innovation and thus respond quickly and adeptly to another's shifting position. They may even be several jumps ahead. The ENTP, talkative and motivating, is often the life of an enterprise. The ENTP can be an entrepreneur and cleverly makes do with whatever or whoever is at hand, counting on ingenuity to solve problems as they arise, rather than carefully generating a detailed blueprint in advance. A rough draft is all that an ENTP needs to feel confident and ready to proceed into action, counting on the ability to improvise as a situation develops.(Hmmm...Is this good or bad?)Because of this tendency to depend on ingenuity and improvision, they may neglect very necessary preparation at times. After repeated failures in situations where improvising has met with defeat, the ENTP may develop ways of avoiding such situations as a substitute to thorough preparation.

Career

ENTP's can succeed in a variety of occupations, as long as the job does not involve too much humdrum routine. At this point, they become restless. If a project in which they are engaged is no longer challenging, they tend to lose interest in that project and fail to follow through-often to the discomfort of colleagues.
Seldom are ENTP's conformists. ENTP's enjoy outwitting the system and use rules and regulations within the system to win the game-whatever it may be. They understand well the politics of institutions and deal with these realities very well, always aiming to understand the people within the system rather than to judge them.(Grins*) ENTP's are good at innovative projects and can administer them well if dull routine is not involved. They usually are outstanding teachers, continuously devising new participative ways to make learning exciting for the students. As an employee, an ENTP may work against the system just for the joy of being one-up. For ENTP's, to be taken-in, to be manipulated by another, is humiliating; this offends their joy in being masters of the art of one-upmanship.(Well,I'm such a big headed ego!) ENTP's are the natural engineers of human relationships and human systems. Their good humor and optimistic outlook tend to be contagious, and people seek out their company.

Home

As mates, ENTP's tend to create a lively living environment. They are gregarious, laugh easily and often, and are typically in good humor. Orderliness in the routines of daily living is not apt to inspire them; they usually solve this problem by mobilizing those around them. Tom Sawyer illustrated this talent when he solved the problem of getting Aunt Polly's fence whitewashed. Life with ENTP's is likely to be a daring adventure; they can lead families to physical and economic dangers. ENTP's improvise to remain unaware that they do not have the necessary knowledge of the situation to ward off such dangers.(LOLX...No wonder my family's so freaked by me)
If the mate of an ENTP is not competitive, he or she is likely to find the one-up/one-down transactions somewhat wearing. If the mate is competitive, the result might be conflict. Although usually good providers of economic necessities, ENTP's at times engage in brinkmanship with their careers, placing them in jeopardy and behaving as if unaware of the consequences; they may thus offer unnecessary challenges to those who have power over their professional success. When challenges elicit negative responses from superiors, ENTP's are apt to react with delight at having an opportunity to improvise a solution to the crisis and, more often than not, they succeed in doing so.
ENTP's are likely to have all sorts of hobbies and to be experts in unexpected areas, but they are not apt to share these hobbies with their mates or children in the sense of teaching them. In fact, ENTP's may be very inconsistent in the attention given to offspring. Usually, it is feast or famine. ENTP's have a lively circle of friends and are interested in their ideas and activities. They are usually easy-going, seldom critical or nagging. At their worst, they can show undependable, fickle characteristics and may be rather easily discouraged. (Hmm? Is this true?)

Mates

The inventive ENTP finds in the ISFJ a neat complementarily for his enterprise, for in the ISFJ he finds the supreme conservator. The conservator, broadly conceived, is morally bound to ensure the material and legal welfare of his or her charge. The inventor, also broadly conceived, is bent on replacing whatever tools, operation, or enterprise now exists with a better one. Out to exercise his ingenuity in bettering things, the ENTP is of necessity iconoclastic and tends to be so seen. So he can get into a bit of trouble with the elders, who usually are not all that pleased to see their tried-and-true tools, operations, and enterprises blithely set aside for the ENTP's better mousetrap. The ISFJ, mated to this inventive rascal, takes on the task of squaring things with the establishment. (Siti and Sylvia! Tell me if I bully you people alot?! Hahaha...)
The ENTP also may be attracted to his opposite on the N side: he approaches the INFJ. But the INFJ is humorously and preposterously different from the seemingly similar ISFJ. In the INFJ lies the soul of the "author"-the meaning-giver, the mystic, the oracle. Perhaps the INFJ is a conservator of the soul, a sort of messiah. At any rate, there is something about the "author" (very broadly conceived) which the ENTP covets. Prometheus had to pay dearly for giving fire to man. The Promethian ENTP may figure that, though his INFJ mate may not rescue his body from the vultures, at least the INFJ might rescue his soul from Hell.(Lolx...I'm positively guffawing at this one.Erm...so Faith, are you gonna save my soul?HAHA!;D)

Got this from: http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/

Quite accurate actually. Haha. Now what do you think?Feel free to comment!=)