Metamorphosis

"We have two kinds of fears. One is a fear that whatever is going on is going to go on forever. It's just not true -- nothing goes on forever. The other is the fear that, even if it doesn't go on forever, the pain of whatever is happening will be so terrible we won't be able to stand it. There is a gut level of truth about this fear. It would be ridiculous to pretend that in our lives, in these physical bodies, which can hurt very much, and in relationships that can hurt very much, there aren't some very, very painful times. Even so, I think we underestimate ourselves. Terrible as times may be, I believe we can stand them."

--Sylvia Boorstein

I know what Charles Dickens meant at the end of Great Expectations when the protagonist, Pip, met Estella at ruins of Satis House towards the end of the novel. I guess it goes to show that no matter how much we want to change or redeem ourselves, we will ultimately be reminded of our own foolishness, hurt or sufferings in the end, particularly when it had affected others too, or vice versa. Time may numb or heal, but memories are forever, whether good or bad. Yet it is ironical that it is through this recognition of our own foolishness, the experiencing of such hurt, and the withstanding of such sufferings that bring us to the path of maturity, which will otherwise be hidden in the garden of childishness.

I guess it was meant to happen. This will be one of the hardest lessons I will ever learn.

Death took a friend away from me last year. This week, I felt like I have lost four due to my own stupidity. I had, in my own ignorance and self centeredness, disappointed and hurt the people who had mattered so much to me, who had repeatedly tolerated all my nonsense. Yet, I had took for granted for all the care and concern they had for me. I have never felt so much guilt in my life before, nor have I been so ashame of myself. You are right. I deserve to go to hell. But arent sinners allowed a chance to redeem themselves? I am not asking for forgiveness, but rather, a chance to prove to you that I'm capable of changing, and to ask that you believe in me. Let my actions speak for my words and redeem me of my folly. I hope to never repeat the same mistakes that I have made in my life ever again.

You will never know how to cherish the things that matters to you most until you lose them all. Painfully.

Paranoia. There is this constant fear in me now that makes me afraid to interact with others again. I'm afraid of hurting someone, especially when I had never intended to, now that I know the consequences. Maybe my primary school teacher was right. I deserved to be put in solitary confinement forever. I'm a danger to everyone, including myself. I should be alone.

Tact and sensitivity. Humility before pride.

On the other hand, I'm glad that I have somehow patched things up with my mother. I guess sometimes all that is needed is just the courage to take initiative, and to open your heart to others. The talk was great. This might be a small step, but it's still a beginning anyway. I still have alot to learn. =)


But I still cant let go.


God on high. Hear my prayer.

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

And every time I think I've finally made it
I learn I'm farther away than I've ever been before
I see the clock and it's ticking away
and the hourglass empty
What the ---- do I have to say

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

Keep it inside the image portrayed
As if I couldn't stand losing as if I couldn't be saved, no way
A small confession I think I'm starting to lose it
I think I'm drifting away from the people I really need
A small reflection on when we were younger
We had it all figured 'cause we had everything covered
Now we're older it's getting harder to see
What this future will hold for us,
what the ---- are we going to be?

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

I'm just as lost as you, what am I going to do?
I'm afraid I'm falling farther away
I'm falling farther away
I'm falling farther from where I want to be
I'm afraid I'm falling farther away
I'm falling farther away
I'm falling farther away

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you


---Trapt, Still Frame

Radar malfunction

We write to apologize.
We ask to look past life as it goes by.
I know you have sacrificed time,
life, love, time to fly.
Please consider all things trite,
forgiveness will be the thing that gets us by.
I know to have something like this
broken is hard to fix.

Embers, we're burning bridges down.
Oh! Envelopes stuffed with feelings found.
To write this down as means to reconcile.

We write to patch things up,
maybe not to agree but to proclaim love.
Let's look ahead and then we'll see the one
whose glory never ends.
And based on that we'll see,
there'll be room for change, but gradually.
I know to have something like this
broken is hard to fix.

Embers, we're burning bridges down.
Oh! Envelopes stuffed with feelings found.
To write this down as means to reconcile.

If all is said and done and over,
if we don't have to, we're not gonna.
Make the change, it's worth the try.
What's broken can be fixed tonight.

Embers, we're burning bridges down.
Oh! Envelopes stuffed with feelings found.
To write this down as means to reconcile.

---Embers and Envelopes, MAE

I think people should stop becoming so sensitive. Life will be so much better. What a week man. Food poisoning for the earlier part of the week, no thanks to those cockles and prawns. Fell out with my mother again, she has been getting rather trying lately, picking on me when ever she had a chance. Then come friday when stress overwhelmed me so much that I went a bit crazy. I guess my behavior on friday was kinda rude, but I felt that I did not do anything wrong. (stop rolling your eyes ok...hahaha) I mean, this is how I deal with things I guess. Sometimes taking time off really helps in preventing further uproar. However, the other reason I left was purely personal. Which I shall not bother explaining unless I choose to.

Talking to Mrs Gan helps alot I guess, particularly during this period where dad is currently in some rural part of China with lousy communication system and mum automatically flashes red lights whenever we met. At least I'm able to see things in a clearer light and work on solutions. I never really thought she was so ALONE.

And then there are some people who just have to irritate the hell out of me. People who take advantage of your kindness, because they feel that they have the right to, on the simple basis of being "friends". Or asking you for favours repeatedly because you had helped them before. Give them a slice, and they ask for the whole cake. Becoming nice to you because they want something from you, whether it's just assurance or entertainment. Such people should just kick themselves in the ass man. Or maybe they dont know what they are up with. I hate to be taken advantage of, or being taken for granted. Do that and I'll make you pay. I'm not your friend, in case you havent noticed. Do not blame me if it happened.

On the other hand, there are people who seems to be made of rice paper. One water droplet and they collapse. Well,all I can say is that I never said that I'm a nice person. I cant be going around trying to please everyone, because that's really disgusting.I hate putting on facades. Dont expect me to please you all the time. I dont live for others. Of course, I acknowledge that these people are just sensitive in character, and am fully aware that I can be rather blunt at times. For that I apologise. But really, there's a certain limit to everything.

Mrs Gan was probably right when she said that my sensing radar is currently malfunctioning. I had been shooting water missiles at rice papers so far. And it seems that there are too many rice papers hanging around too. Bleah. Maybe I'm overheating too much. I need sleep to cool off.Sigh.



There are always two sides to a coin.

Snippets

+You know you have taken too many taxi rides when:

You open the car door,

to hear your destination being spoken before you could blink.

As it happen, as it was meant to happen, I took the same cab for the third time this year. The driver recognised me and was laughing at me (maybe because of my expression?) throughout the ride. Ahh well. Something wonderful came out from this third time coincidence though, the driver actually gave me his number and ask me to call him if I ever need a taxi during mornings, sparing me the flag down charge too. Heh.

+You know you are in the wrong place when:

You look up from your economics ten year series,

to see a lesbian couple fondling each other while eating fries.

I think I must have stumbled upon the neighbourhood love nest when I decide to study at the 24hour fast food restaurant near my house on thursday. The environment was conducive enough, cushion seats, nice tables and best of all, the "Bala papa baaaa" wasnt too obvious to the ears. But the ambience was shattered some time later when I detect some strange movement from the corner of my eye. Looking up, I was, let's put it this way, bemused to see two girls groping each other with one hand while holding fries with the other. This was followed by lots of giggling and sloppy kisses. Oh, those innocent eyes of mine are tarnished forever. (And to that old lady sitting beside me too, you should see her expression man. It's disgust etched with horrifying fascination. Haha) Ahh. Thankfully that couple left after a while, presumingly to indulge in some other ventures.

But my relief swiftly turned into a choke when I saw the same seats being taken up by my ex tuition friend and his girl. Friendly greeting was exchanged naturally upon such a meeting, though I feel bad that my poor friend had to endure another five minutes of interrogation from his girl before he could change the subject.(I happen to have good hearing by the way) Fortunately, exhibit B was kind enough to show some decency in their behaviour, though I was rather put off by them trying to feed each other while talking continuously. Exhibit C sat at the table nearest to me. (Right after that old lady left) They seem okay at first, and for a while peace reign in this cosy little place. Suddenly, I heard weird sounds beside me. Turning, I saw the couple smooching happily beside me. This time I was spared from further agony though, for the manager came soon after and told the couple off for smooching in public. Phew. Never again shall I study at that corner again. Maybe the restaurant should put up a sign that say "THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOOCHING IN OUR RESTAURANT". XD

+You know you are screwed when:

You came home to find your siblings reading your book with much interest

before coming to you later to ask "Is this M18?"

Haha. Came home just now to find my siblings reading The Cyclist, by Viken Berberian. (A good book by the way,I shall review it later if I have the time) Anyway,they told me soon after that they stop after the fourth page because they had read about the part where the protagonist's girlfriend attempt to rouse her boyfriend from his vegetative state by playing with his "plums" and "leek". Ahh. I'm glad they havent got further to the "strawberry turn inside out" part. Now that will be really damaging to young minds. Hahaha. In case you are wondering, I didnt know that the novel will have such literative imagery when I first borrowed it from the library ok. The cover looks kiddy enough anyway. XP



Hmmm...I guess that's all for now. More entries later!=)