"Repetition in the text is a return, a calling back or a turning back. And as I suggested earlier, repetitions are thus both returns to and returns of: for instance, returns to origins and returns of the repressed, moving us forward in Pip's journey toward elucidation, disillusion, and maturity by taking us back, as if in obsessive reminder that we cannot really move ahead until we have understood that still enigmatic past, yet ever pushing us forward, since revelation, tied to the past, belongs to the future."

"There is in this manner a blurring of plot lines, useful to the processes of wish fulfillment in that education and indeed repression itself can be interpreted as agencies necessary to the pursuit of the dream. Realisation of the dream permits acceptance of society's interpretations, and in fact requires the abandonment of any effort at personal interpretations..."

-Repetition,Repression and Return: The Plotting of Great Expectations,Peter Brooks

Hmmm. Something to think about from my notes.

Very random

Risk taking.

Just how much risk is a person willing to take?

My brother wanted to use his computer to play a DVD just now when a problem cropped up. It seems that the DVD had been encoded to read region one files, while his computer was set to region two. So he was fiddling around with the options when he saw a notice which popped out suddenly, informing him that he had only four chances to change regions, and once he had used them up he will not be able to change it back again. My brother was stumped.

Me: Why dont you take the risk? After all you can always change it back.

Brother: But that's using up TWO chances! And what if I choose the wrong one?

Me: But it was indicated rather clearly on the DVD that it is region one, and that's USA. Furthermore, even the computer is able to detect that! I think it's rather safe. Using up two chances only means that there will be another two more chances right?

Brother: So? Two chances is alot out of four! What if the DVD was wrong? What if I cant change it back later? That's too much risk to take!

Me: What ifs are only what ifs after all. Why dont you take the risk?It is not like you have only one chance only.

Brother: I dont think I'm willing to do that for such a small thing. That's just too dangerous lah. This computer means too much to me. What if next time I need to change region again but there is no more chance and I'm stuck with this? You know what this means? It means that I can only play limited DVDs from a specific region!

Me: Isnt that the same? You can only play DVDs from a specific region now! Why are you so afraid when the situation is the same?

Brother: But I have always been able to play all my DVDs! This DVD is troublesome lar, it's the problem with the DVD, not my computer. Who ask it to be different?

Me: I cant believe this man.

Brother: I know what I'm doing okay?I'll rather not watch this than to take such a risk that might change my computer permanently.

Me: But it is not permanent wah! You can always change it back! You are such a coward man. So afraid and careful for what? It's not like you are in some life or death situation! Even so, how the hell do you know what will happen if you dont take the risk?

Oh well, I think you can guess what happens after that. My brother, while desperately exploring other ways to get it to work became just as agitated as me. And the simple conversation became a war of words (the "impulsive reckless fat ass" versus the "lousy cowardy pig") with both of us hurling insults the way siblings do. Sigh.

Ahh well.
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Life can be so funny sometimes. Just look at what happen a few days ago. I was feeling rather frustrated then, after an unproductive day of studying. I ended up in Timezone, spending quite alot of time and money playing HouseOfDead, shooting at those zombies and terror slugs till I felt better . So there I was, coming home happily because I had finally managed to kill that boss after numerous tries when I saw my brother shooting the SAME zombies and little terrors on his play station two while sprawled on the sofa with his snacks and drinks. It turned out that my brother was playing Resident Evil 4, which I think had the same plot and story as HouseOfDead (by the same game designers too if I'm not wrong), complete with all the cheat codes he had somehow managed to install in. Someone kick me please.

______

I think my poor mother has finally lost it or something. She must have had a very strong craving for chicken today, given the three different types of chicken soups and plateful of barbecued chicken wings that appeared on the dinner table just now. How scary.

______

The enlistment letters are making their impact felt.I guess the boys must be feeling so honoured (and secretly glad) to have their girls wetting boxes of kleenex with their salty eye excrement. Soon they will start singing italian opera or something.

One will assume that this is a normal female response but imagine my horror when a guy told me that he had reacted in the same manner while staring at the letter of doom. Not a very pleasant sight I can imagine. I wonder how he will survive his two years of slavery man. Gosh.

______

I'm starting to panic. Time is running out. Everyone seems to putting their expectations on me, whether directly or indirectly. I hate to disappoint people, and most of all myself. Gah. I guess the only thing I can do now is to do my best. =
______

I'm really very touched by those who care. Thank you so much for everything. I really appreciate all the things that were done for me. =)

______


This is my day
This is my song
I am alive what can go wrong?

-This is my song, Carbon Leaf

(Hey, this song is NICE okay?XD)

Dreams

In the battle for belonging
Every doorbell has its code
With a stare it can be opened
Now you have it now you don't

There are buildings there are people
Walk around and look up to
Every swallow has its season
Every gallow has its noon

By the rhythm of your language
Sparkle in your stride
Talk in riddles or be candid
With a shield or open wide

The lesson you must learn
No one could ever teach
Open up and reach for the stars

Above you
Above you

If you have a way of knowing
Every river can be crossed
Lose the sparrow that had landed
For the one that never was

There's a song for every dreamer
As they climb over this fence
Trading roses for the real world
As the second week commences

To where no one has control
Where the young eclipse the old
Predjudice and wisdom
All the same

I want you
I want you

-Above you, The Whitest Boy Alive

Picked this up while roaming around town with my friends some fridays ago. The Whitest Boy Alive produces really cool indie rock man. Nice music, nice lyrics. What is surprising is that the band had initially come together to produce electronic dance music, but the album is anything but those heart pumping- ear stomping noise you hear at shopping malls. Sure, I did notice some use of electronic sounds in some songs, and the rhythm can be quite dance-like at times, but overall it sounded like a mixture of Death Cab For Cutie and Snow Patrol with a hint of jazz.

You keep your cards so close to your chest
You're making me confused
It's hidden deep what you need to address
If you want it to resume

-Fireworks, The Whitest Boy Alive

I'm addicted.

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I could break all the chains holding me
I wish I could say all the things that I should say
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear

I wish I could share
All the love that's in my heart
Remove all the bars that keep us apart
And I wish you could know how it feels to be me
Then you'd see and agree that every man should be free

I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be if I found I could fly
Well I'd soar to the sun and look down at the sea
And I'd sing cos I know how it feels to be free

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I could break all the chains holding me
And I wish I could say all the things that I wanna say
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear

One love one blood
One life you've got to do what you should
One life with each other
Sisters, brothers
One love but we're not the same
We got to carry each other
Carry each other

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I knew how it would feel to be free

-Free, Lighthouse Family

When I first listened to this song some years ago, I did not really think much about it.

Now When I listen to this again, it means something else, something much more impactful.

Patience.

If only life can be so simple.

So simple.

Convenience

That was her reply when I ask her why did she continued her relationship,despite suspecting that the guy was not good enough for her, and that she might have fallen for another.

Her response angers and saddens me, and it leaves me with a bitter tinge of disgust.For it tells me enough of her true character. If this is how she views her relationship with her boyfriend, how will she views her relationship with others? What of my friendship with her? Does she views me as another bin ready for her whenever she needs to dump her emotional trash? That I'm just another outlet for her own childish existential angst, her loneliness and her insecurities? She is always talking about herself, her world, her troubles, her complains, wallowing in self pity, seeking sympathy from me and her poor boyfriend almost daily. Expecting every wishes to be obeyed, every whims attended to, throwing childish tempers at the both of us whenever we could not satisfy her, yet not allowing us to have our own way if it happens to differ from her's. This has gone on too long, too long. Each time I have stepped back, doing my part as a friend, listening to her, offering solutions, entertaining her when she is bored. I have remained loyal and sincere, giving in, telling myself that she's probably feeling stress up and needs company now and then, being an only child she is. I tend to see people as how they are, and I can see that she is actually a nice person who is rather fun to be with, and we do enjoy the times when we were together. This is why I had always let her have her way time and again, hoping that she will somehow realises how demanding she is and make an effort to do something about it.

But this is too far. Sure, I can accept that she is confuse because she feels that there is someone else who seems to be better than her current boyfriend. This sounds like a normal story you will hear between teenagers nowadays anyway. What I cannot accept is that she had insist on carrying on with this relationship because of "convenience". Yeah. Convenience. I guess it is a good thing to have a boyfriend, who will attend to your every whims and provides you with the comfort and security that your pathetic and insecure heart needs so desperately---even a mere illusion of it will be suck up greedily. I'm really disgusted. What is worse is that her guy had actually initiated a break up around one month ago because he felt that things were not going right, but she had pleaded at the last moment to get back together again, because she cannot bear to let go. Why? Now I know. It all boils down to convenience isnt it? When I pressed her on that, she dismissed it offhandedly that her guy had probably pitied her because of her medical condition and argued that he was the one who want to stay on. Well, her guy happens to be a friend of mine myself and I know the truth. Her response only serves to anger me even more.

My doubt of her viewing our friendship as a mere convenience was thrown deeper when I had a conversation with her just yesterday. She told me that she had been crying, and "Thank goodness!" that I was still up because she had felt lonely. I was appalled. So she is glad that her emotional trash bin happened to be awake just when she most needed it in her time of loneliness? Oh gosh. Not only that, during the week itself, she had contacted me, asking me if I was free , then getting annoyed and resorting to her "oh I am so pityful" when I explained to her that I have other appointments with my friends.

What am I to her? I have enough of her crap. I cant believe I have wasted so much time on her, when all the while I'm just there for her convenience. I cannot stand the idea of people using me like that. I'm so disappointed, and the sense of feeling betrayed still makes my blood boil. I feel sad for her too, because she had not realise how lucky she is, to have a guy who truly loves her, and a friend who is always there to support her. I have enough. Dont ask me to help you settle your problems anymore, it's not my problem. Dont come to me sobbing and acting all pityful, expecting me to listen to all your childishness. Go find others to be your convenience. Dont complain to me about your loneliness, do you really think that other people dont feel lonely too? Dont rant to me about your problems with your parents, though I do admit they are hard to handle, but let me remind you that there are so many others, including myself, who has family problems too, as well as many other burdens and stress. Leave me out of your world. I am so tired of everything. And I will not wait for you to render me obsolete. I pity my friend, your boyfriend.

Still, I have not forgotten what she had done to me in the past, the help that I have received from her when I needed them the most, the times we spent together, the positive side of her, the things that I am truly grateful for. I am not giving up, for now, though I am very much on the brink of. But I will definitely be keeping my distance from now on, though she is still my friend.

I am still angry.

Gosh. It just hit me like a sledge hammer that I'm experiencing what a group of people will have felt some time ago. Now I know how it feels, the hurt and all. How painful. Gah. I had never thought of them as "convenience" though, and this is something I can honestly say. But I'm still guilty just the same. Sigh. Talk about irony and karma.

I am done with you
I am sailing my own.
My own sweet way
around the world.

-Done with you, The Whitest Boy Alive