Question of the day

Why do humans try so hard to live longer, when they do not even know how to live in the first place?

This was the question that kept bugging me after watching that documentary on xeno transplantation and animal experimentation during general paper lecture. Other than the gore and blood and what not (which wasnt very scary actually because I have seen the ps2 games that my brother plays), I was most disgusted by the fact that the humans seem to think that it is ok to sacrifice thousands of animals so that they can find some break through. It is okay for a 27 year old man to live and not very important to think about the piglet you are going to extract its heart from to attach it to the neck of a baboon so that you can demostrate how the body will reject foreign tissue to horrified audience. It is okay to play around with genetics, extracting eggs from pigs then injecting them with human DNA so that you can get the one piglet who will carry the cells you want and slaughter 19 other piglets because they are of no use. It's okay, as long as there is hope that your experiments might somehow work and then you can be the LIFE SAVER of the HUMAN race. Animals are just there for you to use, they are "in abundance and their organs can be harvested very easily". Yeah. The fact that a human will die every seven minutes is more important than debating with animal rights activists on whether it is alright to kill thousands of animals in search for THE CURE.

I think the reason why humans are so afraid to die it is because they are afraid of the unknown. The concept of death, I will admit, is quite frightening to everyone. No one exactly know what will happen after you took your last breath, and so it is better to try your best to get your heart beating for as long as possible. Yet while you are well and alive, you do not know what to do with your life. You choose to go with the flow most of the time, largely because you have not much choice anyway,and you do not know what to do in the first place. It's kind of ironical isnt it. Humans try every ways and means to prolong their life by going on healthy diets, and exercising regularly(most do not actually), while scientists spent a large part of their lives researching and experimenting on things that will allow humans to live longer. However, how effective will all these measures be in the first place? Well, they might perhaps prolong your life by maybe a few years at the most and nothing else. And even so, WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH THE EXTRA TIME?

Perhaps we are all thinking the wrong way. We are seeing things in a very narrow and undoubtly selfish perspective. It is more important that I live for as long as possible, than to ponder on what I can do with my gift of life. Well, you can always argue that the extra time will allow you to have more time to think of what you want to do with your life, but my question is a simple one. CAN YOU? Are you willing to put aside all your achievements, everything you are holding on to just for a few moment? Are you willing to sacrifice your life for the sake of others, gaining nothing for yourself in the end? Are you willing to fail and lose it all? Do you even know what you really want in the first place?

I really do not think most people can. So far the only example I can think of is perhaps Mother Theresa. Yeah. Everyone else just tries to hold on to all they have for as long as possible, including their lives. Which is all very stupid because it's like holding a bucket filled with water with holes at the base.

Humans are just selfish. Admit it. We are motivated by greed and the fear of pain. To satisfy our desires, to avoid pain, we are willing to do anything. But it does not sound right that we have to sacrifice members of the same specie to achieve this, so we turn to other living things. Gah. And these living things in question happen to be poor defenceless organisms who just want to survive.

All these ramblings remind me of a question someone asked me years ago. Imagine that one of your loved one is dying and you are at his or her bedside. There is a red button. If you press that button , your loved one will be saved, but somewhere in the world, another person dies. What will you do?

I'm not surprise when nine out of ten people will say that they will press the button. (I happen to be the odd weirdo in case you are wondering) Heh. This is life I guess, better they than me.

I was walking toward this building when someone suddenly pushes me from behind. I fall, landing in this strange room. The room is very crowded. I see people in school uniforms walking around, talking very loudly. The room is long and very narrow. The ceiling is very high, so high that I do not know where it ends. The room is painted black. The only source of light is the long narrow door. I try to get out of this room, heading towards the only source of light. I push my way through, but the crowd pushes me back. More people stream in from the door. The room is getting more and more crowded. I try to force my way out again, but the crowd pushes me back. Desperate, I try to ask the people around me for help. No one seems to care. Everyone continues to talk to each other, as if I wasnt there at all. Freaked out by now, I try to get towards the door again. The same thing happens. This time it is worse. I am force to look up. Everywhere I see absolute darkness. The world seems to be swirling around me. I try to shout, but no voice comes out from my throat.

Then I woke up sweating, my heart,pulsating painfully against my chest. I felt dizzy and had a sudden urge to vomit. Gah. This is like really one of the worst nightmares I ever had. I think I might be claustrophobic or something. This dream reminds me of Charles Kingshaw in my O level literature book, I'm the king of the castle by Susan Hill. That boy had a rather similar dream too, and he had claustrophobia. Or perhaps I'm just too stress and too tired.

Time to take a break then. If only my schedule will allow me to do so. Sigh.

Thoughts

What are you so afraid of? She asked.

I'm too afraid to think.

Call it self denial.

Welcome to the Insomniacs Club.

The weather now reflects my emotions.

I have been hearing thunder for hours but there is just no rain, only a big grey blanket that hung low and threaten to cloud my vision.

Quick shot

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

------Coldplay, Fix You------

Finally, no more school for this week. And what a trying one it had been so far. My relationship with the matriarch did not get any better, in fact it took a turn for the worse. Well, we havent been talking to each other for one week already, and when she finally broke the silence today, it was full of anger and ridiculous accusations. In short, everything went back to square one. Sigh.

It all started with me forgetting to turn on my alarm clock the previous night and so I wasnt able to wake up at my usual time of 6am. In fact I slept so soundly that I only jolted myself awake when she screamed in my ear, threatening to throw me out of the house if I was to miss another day of school again. My first thought was a "Huh?" before my eyes fell on to the alarm clock on my table. 6.26 am. And she was still shouting at the top of her lungs at me, for she thought that I had tried to skip school. Then she started talking abt me being a weird kid, family disgrace and her "Get-out-of-the-house-and-dont-come-back-you-ungrateful-thing". Of course I tried to ignore her and focus on trying to make it to school in time, but it was hard to concentrate on what you are doing when someone kept shouting at you. And it is so early in the morning, when my temper is at its worst. Well, I could not take it after a while and I TRIED to explain to her that it was really an accident. But SHE dismissed it as an excuse and in fact became even more agitated. Then I realised that time was running out and I would have no choice but to take a cab to school. So I politely requested her to give me my allowance a day in advance so that I can afford a cab to school. Her response really blew up my temper man...

Socrates wrote in 450 BC that

" The children now have luxury, they have bad manners, contempt for authority, they show disrespect for elders and are now tyrants."

Well, I think he is stereotyping us. For a philospher I think this is quite lousy. Havent he considered that the elders might not respect the youths in the first place? That they are a bunch of complacent people with the highest ego you can possibly imagine. I think respect is a two way thing. I'm not saying that because of what happen between me and my mum, but this is what I have observed whenever I try to communicate with an adult. They always believe that they are the wisest of all, and people younger than them has no right to comment on what they do, because they are ALWAYS RIGHT. What nonsense. And they think that they deserve respect for everything, while they dont necessary have to respect you in return. You have to respect them because custom dictates so.( Probably brought on by people like Confucious or Socrates who I believe, never had kids and had the misfortune to see some of the biggest brats in their life time) Bull manure. You cant expect me to respect you when you dont do anything to earn it in the first place. And think of it this way, kids often follow their parents. So if your kids turn out to be brats and tyrants, I think you should start looking at yourself first.

Right. So to de-stress myself after such a terrible week, I turn to music. And it really helps man. Right now I'm feeling much better than I was when I came home from school, when I just feel so burnt out and tired of everything. =)

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to' find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

--U2, Stuck In A Moment--

Heh. Well, I think I'm trying to unstuck myself now. And it is not as bad as it seems once you get the hang of it. XD

I ain't happy, I' m feelin glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless, but not for long the future is comin' on,
it's comin' on, it's comin' on, it's comin' on, it's comin' on

--Gorillaz, Sunshine In A Bag--

Songs like these really make me optimistic again. Catchy tune too! Now I'm hyper enough to start thinking out solutions...=)

Dont forget my current favourite band SNOW PATROL!

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

---Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars---

Paradise now

Gah. I cant sleep. AGAIN. I think it's because I bathed too late just now. I'm still waiting for my hair to dry. Bleah. I have so many tests later but somehow I dont feel motivated to study for anything at all. Haix.

IF YOU HAVENT WATCHED PARADISE NOW AND IS PLANNING TO WATCH, SKIP THIS.

Anyway, I watched my first public M18 movie last saturday, at the newly opened Picture House. Paradise Now is a movie that has NO VIOLENCE (except for a bloody nose), NO GORE, NO NUDITY. Yeah. At first I was thinking why they had to rate this M18 but by the end of the movie I understood. The movie is disturbing enough in its own right. Ok, spoilers here, haha, but the movie is basically about two friends, Khaled and Said who are tasked to carry out a suicide bombing mission, and all the psychological stuff they undergo. Imagine having a rather good day only to come home and be informed by your religious teacher that you have been chosen for a suicide mission the very next day.How will you react?

I will say that the movie is rather thought provoking. And it's definitely better than my school's drama production. The plot centralised on the themes of friendship and the value of life, which seems to be cheap in this case. I was very irritated especially by the fact that these two guys are so throughly brainwashed( at least to some extent) by their teacher(Jamal), and the fact that their teacher will be rewarded for every successful mission. It's like your teacher sending you to die and later getting paid for his efforts. Gah. The movie also questions the need for such a movement, and whether there are any other alternatives to solve the Palestine problem, which of course, was flatly rejected by the pessimistic extremists. There was also quite a bit of dark humor here and there, the most significant will be the part where the characters visited a video shop where footage of suicide bombers (before carrying out their mission they get a bit of air time, something like saying your will) are available for rent or sale together with the gruesome clips of the collaborators being executed for their deeds. It really questions the logic of this whole suicide movement and the need for it in the first place. Just imagine. When you are dead, you last moments will be distributed like hot cakes to everyone, and some, if not many people will actually profit from your death by selling those videos or CDs. You call this martyrdom? You dont even know if heaven exist in the first place.

Personally, I dont give a damn about patriotism and becoming a martyr. I'm more concern that these people are getting all their priorities wrong. Said, for example, never seems to consider the fact that he will be leaving so many people behind if he is to carry out his mission. His mother, his brother, his girl friend (Cant remember her name sorry). All he cares about is to redeem his father, who was executed for being a collaborator when he was only ten years old.

Anyway, I will not agree with those people who insist that this movie is about advocating suicide bombing etc. To me, this is a movie that focus on a person's thoughts and emotions as he struggled to come to terms with himself.Said is protrayed as a normal man, one who regularly engage in emotional struggle within himself, a man of feelings and morals. (For example when he cannot bring himself to blow up the bus with a kid in it) Khaled is protrayed as a man who cherished friendship and loyalty. (From when he told Said that they will do the mission together and not letting anyone go alone first) But I find his perspection on life kinda conflicting though. Hmmm.

Ok, I'm finally feeling tired. Time for bed to prepare for the challenges later. =)

Books and nature

THE TABLES TURNED

Up! up! my Friend, and quit your books;
Or surely you'll grow double:
Up! up! my Friend, and clear your looks;
Why all this toil and trouble?

The sun above the mountain's head,
A freshening lustre mellow
Through all the long green fields has spread,
His first sweet evening yellow.

Books! 'tis a dull and endless strife:
Come, hear the woodland linnet,
How sweet his music! on my life,
There's more of wisdom in it.

And hark! how blithe the throstle sings!
He, too, is no mean preacher:
Come forth into the light of things,
Let Nature be your teacher.

She has a world of ready wealth,
Our minds and hearts to bless--
Spontaneous wisdom breathed by health,
Truth breathed by cheerfulness.

One impulse from a vernal wood
May teach you more of man,
Of moral evil and of good,
Than all the sages can.

Sweet is the lore which Nature brings;
Our meddling intellect
Mis-shapes the beauteous forms of things:--
We murder to dissect.

Enough of Science and of Art;
Close up those barren leaves;
Come forth, and bring with you a heart
That watches and receives.

------William Wordsworth--------


Heh. Found this poem just now while I was surfing around Orchard Kino. Ok, this is what I do when I’m bored ok. Haha. Anyway, this is such a cool poem! This poem makes me feel like going on an around the world nature trip right away! At least there's someone who agrees with me that there's more to life than studying "barren leaves". XP

Hmmm, I dont know how come critics dont like this poem, well they probably bury their heads in books all their lives or are just not used to Wordsworth's change of style here. (Think stuff like Daffodils, which is very different from The Tables Turned) Well, I kinda like the casual, persuasive tone of this poem, especially this nonchalant attitude taken by the poet. Heh. I guess it kinda reflect my feelings towards school too. Not that I don’t care about my studies, but I feel that the way they are teaching things in my school are just too narrow minded and limited in scope with only the specific goal of getting everyone to score desirable grades in the end without actually knowing what you are doing. I also don’t like the way the education system here tries to force us to think only in what they want us to think, not allowing us to explore further or discuss about issues. You should just see the way they teach general paper here man. All I can say is, I have either got a very bad teacher or there’s something very wrong with the curriculum. And it’s not just about general paper…the other subjects are not much better. I guess the only subject I’m really interested in now is literature, for it allows you to explore on your own and make your own discoveries. XD

Hmmm. I think Wordsworth also made a good point in the seventh stanza.

Sweet is the lore which Nature brings;
Our meddling intellect
Mis-shapes the beauteous forms of things:--
We murder to dissect.

I find the sentence “We murder to dissect” very freaky. I mean, the images that I get immediately is of humans catching stuff like insects or animals, dip them in some poison to kill them, before dissecting them just to observe them for scientific reasons. Yucks. This is so barbaric man. Come to think of it. I don’t know how come my sister loves dissecting things during her biology classes. >__< And I do have to agree that “Our meddling intellect
Mis-shapes the beauteous forms of things” It seems that Man, in our quest to know as much as possible, to develop to the best of our abilities, tends to neglect the other living things we happen to share our planet with, the flora and fauna of course. Ok, I think neglect is an understatement. It’s more like destroying them, giving them no chance to survive at all. Think of all those rainforests that are cut each year to make way for the humans, and the number of animals that are killed in the process, some getting closer and closer to the fate of the Dodo bird with each passing second. Gah. Sickening isn’t it. The beauty of our world is destroyed in the process, and now we see concrete jungles everywhere, and the air we breathe in filled with all kinds of gaseous poison.

Sometimes I think that people really have no idea what they are doing. And when they finally realize, it might be too late. Well, I can only hope that I wont be there to see the end. XD

So everyone, please follow Mr Wordsworth’s advice, shut those books now and start seeing for yourself the real world that our planet has to offer, not some dead but colourful images you see on processed wood bits----while you still can.

(Haha…I just realize that this is getting to be very practical criticism coupled with lots of irrelevant ramblings. Heh.)

And the world keeps on spinning

So many things have happened, and I'm caught in the middle of it all. Once one is solved, the other pops up like some mushroom in maple story. Bleah.

I'm freaking worried. Please dont let things happen again. I wont be able to take the pain the second time.

Gah.

All kinds of things have been happening. Take yesterday. Overslept, spent much of of the time trying to call a cab. Then the taxi driver heard the wrong address, wasted both of our precious five minutes. I told him to try to reach school by 7.25am. This guy who obviously suffered from panic anxiety disorder started freaking, took a wrong turn, dont know how to get to SLE. Ended up taking one big round. He was sweating like crazy, shifting in his seat far too often and gripping the steering wheel like it's his life. And he kept muttering "You dont stress me lar. When I'm stress I get confuse." After seeing him nearly crashing into the car in front of the cab, I got freaked myself and started telling him to relax for I will be late anyway. But I make sure that guy paid for his lousy service. I got him to give me a discount for the wasted time (and the scary ride). Heh.

Still, this unplanned consumption has costed me dearly. I'm so broke now. But it's mainly because of over expenditure too. Spending money like my dad owns the bank these days. Heh.

Everyone is playing out their soap opera lives to me. Haha. It's kinda funny when people dont trust their partners, get frustrated or confused over them, then end up coming to me for counselling .Not that I'm good or something. Even strangers on the bus talked to me about their problems.( Yeah, it's true. Freaky huh?) Life is an irony man.

Getting hooked to Snow Patrol songs. Love their music.

Insomnia's setting in again. Somehow I cant sleep at night, even when my body feels tired. Someone give me soma or something.

Going to the opposition rallies was such a cool experience. And can you imagine falling out with your mum over political views? Gah. I think taking history has its consequences. I'm now so skeptical about the government. XP

I just keep thinking. The past is haunting me. I'm worried. I'm worried sick. Please let things be ok.


It's gonna be another sleepless night.