Convenience

That was her reply when I ask her why did she continued her relationship,despite suspecting that the guy was not good enough for her, and that she might have fallen for another.

Her response angers and saddens me, and it leaves me with a bitter tinge of disgust.For it tells me enough of her true character. If this is how she views her relationship with her boyfriend, how will she views her relationship with others? What of my friendship with her? Does she views me as another bin ready for her whenever she needs to dump her emotional trash? That I'm just another outlet for her own childish existential angst, her loneliness and her insecurities? She is always talking about herself, her world, her troubles, her complains, wallowing in self pity, seeking sympathy from me and her poor boyfriend almost daily. Expecting every wishes to be obeyed, every whims attended to, throwing childish tempers at the both of us whenever we could not satisfy her, yet not allowing us to have our own way if it happens to differ from her's. This has gone on too long, too long. Each time I have stepped back, doing my part as a friend, listening to her, offering solutions, entertaining her when she is bored. I have remained loyal and sincere, giving in, telling myself that she's probably feeling stress up and needs company now and then, being an only child she is. I tend to see people as how they are, and I can see that she is actually a nice person who is rather fun to be with, and we do enjoy the times when we were together. This is why I had always let her have her way time and again, hoping that she will somehow realises how demanding she is and make an effort to do something about it.

But this is too far. Sure, I can accept that she is confuse because she feels that there is someone else who seems to be better than her current boyfriend. This sounds like a normal story you will hear between teenagers nowadays anyway. What I cannot accept is that she had insist on carrying on with this relationship because of "convenience". Yeah. Convenience. I guess it is a good thing to have a boyfriend, who will attend to your every whims and provides you with the comfort and security that your pathetic and insecure heart needs so desperately---even a mere illusion of it will be suck up greedily. I'm really disgusted. What is worse is that her guy had actually initiated a break up around one month ago because he felt that things were not going right, but she had pleaded at the last moment to get back together again, because she cannot bear to let go. Why? Now I know. It all boils down to convenience isnt it? When I pressed her on that, she dismissed it offhandedly that her guy had probably pitied her because of her medical condition and argued that he was the one who want to stay on. Well, her guy happens to be a friend of mine myself and I know the truth. Her response only serves to anger me even more.

My doubt of her viewing our friendship as a mere convenience was thrown deeper when I had a conversation with her just yesterday. She told me that she had been crying, and "Thank goodness!" that I was still up because she had felt lonely. I was appalled. So she is glad that her emotional trash bin happened to be awake just when she most needed it in her time of loneliness? Oh gosh. Not only that, during the week itself, she had contacted me, asking me if I was free , then getting annoyed and resorting to her "oh I am so pityful" when I explained to her that I have other appointments with my friends.

What am I to her? I have enough of her crap. I cant believe I have wasted so much time on her, when all the while I'm just there for her convenience. I cannot stand the idea of people using me like that. I'm so disappointed, and the sense of feeling betrayed still makes my blood boil. I feel sad for her too, because she had not realise how lucky she is, to have a guy who truly loves her, and a friend who is always there to support her. I have enough. Dont ask me to help you settle your problems anymore, it's not my problem. Dont come to me sobbing and acting all pityful, expecting me to listen to all your childishness. Go find others to be your convenience. Dont complain to me about your loneliness, do you really think that other people dont feel lonely too? Dont rant to me about your problems with your parents, though I do admit they are hard to handle, but let me remind you that there are so many others, including myself, who has family problems too, as well as many other burdens and stress. Leave me out of your world. I am so tired of everything. And I will not wait for you to render me obsolete. I pity my friend, your boyfriend.

Still, I have not forgotten what she had done to me in the past, the help that I have received from her when I needed them the most, the times we spent together, the positive side of her, the things that I am truly grateful for. I am not giving up, for now, though I am very much on the brink of. But I will definitely be keeping my distance from now on, though she is still my friend.

I am still angry.

Gosh. It just hit me like a sledge hammer that I'm experiencing what a group of people will have felt some time ago. Now I know how it feels, the hurt and all. How painful. Gah. I had never thought of them as "convenience" though, and this is something I can honestly say. But I'm still guilty just the same. Sigh. Talk about irony and karma.

I am done with you
I am sailing my own.
My own sweet way
around the world.

-Done with you, The Whitest Boy Alive