Metamorphosis

"We have two kinds of fears. One is a fear that whatever is going on is going to go on forever. It's just not true -- nothing goes on forever. The other is the fear that, even if it doesn't go on forever, the pain of whatever is happening will be so terrible we won't be able to stand it. There is a gut level of truth about this fear. It would be ridiculous to pretend that in our lives, in these physical bodies, which can hurt very much, and in relationships that can hurt very much, there aren't some very, very painful times. Even so, I think we underestimate ourselves. Terrible as times may be, I believe we can stand them."

--Sylvia Boorstein

I know what Charles Dickens meant at the end of Great Expectations when the protagonist, Pip, met Estella at ruins of Satis House towards the end of the novel. I guess it goes to show that no matter how much we want to change or redeem ourselves, we will ultimately be reminded of our own foolishness, hurt or sufferings in the end, particularly when it had affected others too, or vice versa. Time may numb or heal, but memories are forever, whether good or bad. Yet it is ironical that it is through this recognition of our own foolishness, the experiencing of such hurt, and the withstanding of such sufferings that bring us to the path of maturity, which will otherwise be hidden in the garden of childishness.

I guess it was meant to happen. This will be one of the hardest lessons I will ever learn.

Death took a friend away from me last year. This week, I felt like I have lost four due to my own stupidity. I had, in my own ignorance and self centeredness, disappointed and hurt the people who had mattered so much to me, who had repeatedly tolerated all my nonsense. Yet, I had took for granted for all the care and concern they had for me. I have never felt so much guilt in my life before, nor have I been so ashame of myself. You are right. I deserve to go to hell. But arent sinners allowed a chance to redeem themselves? I am not asking for forgiveness, but rather, a chance to prove to you that I'm capable of changing, and to ask that you believe in me. Let my actions speak for my words and redeem me of my folly. I hope to never repeat the same mistakes that I have made in my life ever again.

You will never know how to cherish the things that matters to you most until you lose them all. Painfully.

Paranoia. There is this constant fear in me now that makes me afraid to interact with others again. I'm afraid of hurting someone, especially when I had never intended to, now that I know the consequences. Maybe my primary school teacher was right. I deserved to be put in solitary confinement forever. I'm a danger to everyone, including myself. I should be alone.

Tact and sensitivity. Humility before pride.

On the other hand, I'm glad that I have somehow patched things up with my mother. I guess sometimes all that is needed is just the courage to take initiative, and to open your heart to others. The talk was great. This might be a small step, but it's still a beginning anyway. I still have alot to learn. =)


But I still cant let go.


God on high. Hear my prayer.