Letting go

Just an update before I start my entry proper. Well, my grandmother suffered a stroke about 4 years ago and her condition had recently started to deteriorate. On wednesday her blood sugar started soaring dangerously, accompanied by high fever and her bed sores show signs of infection. She's currently hospitalised and is on the tube.

Mum had been rushing off to hospital everyday to accompany my grandmother ever since she heard the news. I can tell that she's very worried so I try my best to give her support whenever she needs. (Obviously it isnt working, I'm really bad at such stuff.) Anyway, just yesterday when we were walking home after visiting the doctor (for my sprained ankle), we started talking about grandmother and her condition. Mum was talking about how her heart breaks whenever she sees her mother lying on the bed with tubes running in and out and yet she really cannot bear to see her suffer anymore. So I asked her.

"Are you willing to let go?"

"No."

"But you know she will leave us one day. And you cant bear to see her suffer too."

"I dont want to think about it."

"To tell you the truth, I have already accepted that I have lost her 3 years ago when I visited her during chinese new year. She was trying so hard to talk to me but somehow she could not speak. I knew I have lost her then."

"It's not easy as it seems. How will you feel if it is me and not your grandmother lying there in hospital now?"

I will confess that I was momentarily stunned by the last sentence. It really hit me right in the head. What will I have done? Will I have let go so easily? Suddenly I'm not so sure.