"Which of you shall we say doth love us most?"

Act one scene one of King Lear was played out in my house yesterday evening.

Mum was complaining and making a big fuss about my aunts and uncles not coming down to visit my "poor, sick, ailing grandmother" as often as she did. Well, she left home everyday by 11am and will only be back by 5pm earliest, spending the whole time sitting with my grandma who is as good as being in coma. Anyway, to cut the long story short, we were all having dinner (me with lots of difficulty, refer to previous post please) when she suddenly pop the killer question.

Mum: Sometimes I really wonder you know, whether you three will be as concern as me if I end up like your grandmother one day. How filial will the three of you be? Will you all visit me everyday?

(I think my mouth was open when I heard that. The setting was so freaking similar to King Lear too, mum sitting at the end of the table, my siblings and I around her. What follows is even freakier.)

Brother, AKA Professional boot licker: Of course lah! I will visit you everyday dont worry, I'm very very filial one! Even if my future wife complains I will also come. *Sweet angelic smile*

Mum: (Smiling at Mr professional boot licker) I always know you will. Then what about you two? Ah Hui? (That's my sister)

Sister, AKA Loyal nit picker: (Nodding) Yeah, of course I will visit you everyday also, dearest mommy! Aiyah, but dont worry, you wont end up like that one, I will take care of you.

(She really said that ok? OMG...hahaha)

Mum: What about Quan Min? *Everyone looks at me*

(At this point I'm sure you people will be guessing or have probably predicted what I will say. LOL)

Me: *Gasp* *Choke* *Cough* *Points to my throat indicating that I cant speak at all* *Mutter something incoherent and excuse myself off to my room*

Haha...Oh no, I did not do a Cordelia, though I was tempted to. Actually, I meant to say "Ask me no questions and I will tell no lies" but I though better of it at the last minute because I do not want to cause unnecessary damage to my mouth and to my mum's fragile heart. Bleah.

Still, this incident calls for some reflection. I was actually quite disturbed by it and spent the whole night thinking about it till those drugs took effect and send me off to oblivion.

Other than getting turn off by my siblings' answers (I still am), I find myself thinking of mainly two things, the real answer I would have given and why my mother had to ask this question.

Dont get me wrong. It's not like I dont love my mother at all, neither am I unfilial. I just think that it's stupid and childish if I have to be forced to say out my feelings. I dont like it too. Now I know what Cordelia means when she said "I cannot heave/ My heart into my mouth". Some things are better left unsaid, they are better felt. If my mum is to end up like that (touch a billion wood and papers) I'm very sure I will have done what's required of me as her daughter. Also, I have always believed that it's no use only trying to make amends when the person is unable to respond to you anymore. It will be better if I make a difference to her life now than to start regretting later. (Ok, I'm not doing a good job I know. High drama still persists between her and me even now. XP)

And I also realise how insecure my mum must be feeling to ask such a question. Because just now she was talking about this old lady beside my grandma's bed who cried herself to sleep every day because she was in so much pain and no one visited her. She passed away alone a few days before I think. Sigh. Mum must be worrying that this will happen to her too. Ah well. I swear I will not let this happen to her. Though I know that she wasnt very satisfied with my ah...response yesterday. Gah.


Still, sometimes I wonder if all parents have such fears in them. That they will suffer their pain silently, die alone, unloved and abandoned. That their children had never loved them in the first place, despite all the sacrifices and love they had for them. Hmmm...What do you think?




PS: Someone please tell me to stop putting up entries referring to King Lear. It's driving me nuts too! But I cant help it haha.>__<