Rants.

I did not go to school today. Woke up at 4 am to a nasty bout of diarrhoea and stomachache. Then at 6am I rushed to the toilet for the second time. Decided not to go to school because I dont want to be rushing in and out of the toilet for the whole day.

The female parental unit was of course, furious at my decision. She kept saying that I was just trying to find an excuse. Old hag, I really wanted to go to school ok? But I realised that there is no point rushing to school only to end up not concentrating. And I am really blardy hell sick, NOT FAKING IT as you had assumed. Yes. You compare me to your dear wonderful second daughter. The freaking nerd who LOVES SCHOOL so freaking much that she would endure a fever of 40 degree or the torment of stomachache for a whole day in school. I'm VERY SORRY then, that I cannot live up to your expectations. I have already admitted long ago that I'm a freaking failure and yes, I'm a big disgrace to the family. Yes. I'm sorry that I have disappointed you. That I have a lousy immune system. I'm sorry that I'm stupid and retarded. I'm sorry that I cannot force myself to sit down and study the whole day like my sister can. I'm sorry that I'm lazy, that I'm not a nerd. That I choose the arts stream because I am a loser in science. I'm sorry that you have to be my mum.

You know what hurts me most? It's when you tell me to redraw from school since I am such a loser. That you threaten to throw me out of the house because you dont want to see me failing in life. You have failed to understand why I'm behaving this way. Do you know what happened on saturday? Do you know what I'm going through? No. You have never asked. All you do is to ring up those freaking old witches who will agree with you that you are right in your decisions and that I'm beyond help.

I want so much to hate you. But I know I never will. Do you know something? When you kept screaming about ringing the school up to redraw me from school, I wanted so much to scream and yell back. But then, what's the point? You will only be angier, and I'll just be losing my voice. And the scariest thing of all is that I actually think that it will be a good idea to quit school now and get out of this house. It will be a form of release. No more pressure to succeed. No more juggling things like school, cca and other problems. No more getting discriminated because I'm in arts. No more putting on that false front. No more trying to hold on to things I cannot control.

Life totally sucks. Let me escape from this nightmare. I dont know what is happening to me recently. I keep getting such terrible mood swings. Blaming myself for getting sick. Losing all motivation. I find myself getting further and further away from things like CCA, or my commitment at MINDS. It's so hard to give genuine smiles lately.

Yes, I admit I hate school. I hate JC life, but I was really unwell today and you have no right to disbelieve me. You keep saying that you will not care about me anymore, then why do you still bother? Let me die and rot. You dont even have to acknowledge me.